**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
