I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
