My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
