where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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