Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
