literally had 100 drinks last night.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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