just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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