Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
