Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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