Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
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