There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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