Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
