I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Randomize