Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize