I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
