You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
