if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
