I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
