Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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