I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
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