The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
