her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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