never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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