I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
