did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
