I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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