I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
