WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
