she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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