You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
