Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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