I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize