he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i will never coherently bang her
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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