You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
