I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
