help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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