Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
