we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
