My underwear smells like fireworks.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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