I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
