Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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