Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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