He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
