Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
