So drunk its hurt
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
