i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
