They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Randomize
