I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
