dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
