I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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