I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
