Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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