so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
