bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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