I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
