Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
