OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
