this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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